Recipe: Mash-ed Potatoes

For Thanksgiving, I'll post a terribly boring recipe for mash-ed potatoes! (This is how it should be pronounced. Trust me, I write a blog!)

So, for mash-ed potatoes you'll need this stuff...

Potatoes (preferably ten or more pounds of russets)
Butter
Milk
Salt, pepper, and whatever else you want in the area of spices
Zero cans of gravy (if you like gravy, go read another blog - this blog is not gravy-friendly)

First, you'll want to wash and mostly peel your potatoes. Leaving a little peel is all right, as it doesn't ruin the flavor or the consistency.

(In other words, no, you don't get extra points for perfectly peeled potatoes. More likely you get crazy points, but I'm not part of the Point Award Bureau, so you an take it up with them. Be warned, though, they'll probably give you some annoying points for doing so...)

Now, boil some water in a big pot. The more potatoes you have, the bigger the pot you use must be! Exciting, I know, but it had to be said. Really. They pay me for this kind of stuff.

(Disclaimer: If you are a time lord, you need not worry about pot size. Also, you can probably do something more interesting than reading this blog post, so please go away and do that thing.)

Put your potatoes in the boiling water.

This next step is crucial: if the potatoes begin to scream, you should probably turn yourself into the police! I can't count the number of times I've failed to follow this step and ended up making something other than mash-ed potatoes. It's a real problem.

Assuming that your potatoes lack vocal cords - or are properly gagged - wait for a while and begin poking them with a knife to check if they're done. If they start screaming at this point, you probably skipped the last step, and should probably check to make sure you got your ingredients list correct.

The potatoes are done when you can stick a knife in them without much resistance  I never remember how long this takes, but it shouldn't be more than an hour.

Now that your potatoes are easy to stab, you should probably stab them all a few times, just to make sure you're all set to continue.

(For added personal enjoyment, invite your family over, laugh maniacally while doing so. To double to fun, add some splashes of red food dye to your clothing before beginning!)

When your potatoes are all done - and you are satisfied that none of them would ever dare revert to their previously held difficult-to-stab state - pour the contents of your pot into a strainer and then put the potatoes back into the pot.

Now it is time to make the easy-to-stab potatoes into mash-ed potatoes. To do so, you should use a potato mash-er and turn them into roughly the consistency you want for your mash-ed potatoes. This may take quite some time, depending on the volume of mash-ed potatoes you happen to be making.

(Disclaimer: All designations of time, volume, or distance may not hold if your kitchen oven generates the Planck Energy. Also, the government would like to speak to you!)

While mash-ing the potatoes, you also want to add some amount of milk and butter to make the mash-ed potatoes the proper consistency. Add more milk and butter for more creaminess.

After the mash-ed potatoes are the appropriate consistency and creaminess, taste them. They will be bland. Add salt and pepper until the proper degree of not bland has been achieved. Serve while still warm, with some additional butter on top.

(No, gravy is not allowed. If you need some time to yourself to come to terms with this policy, watch this!)

Any comments, complaints, suggestions, or your least favorite type of gravy can be be left below in the comments section, and have a happy avian consumption day tomorrow!